I have a queen sized box spring mattress I’m trying to get rid of. It creaks too much when I roll around at night. Out of respect for my housemates, I haven’t even bothered to try to take it for a kinky test ride.

I figured the best way to get rid of it was to post it on craigslist. Certainly some people have unloaded really crappy things on me that way. But I also wanted to provide full disclosure. I didn’t want someone else bringing this box spring home and being unpleasantly surprised by a chorus of creaks and croaks louder than frog mating season. It certainly surprised me and then I was stuck with it. (Did I mention I found it on someone’s porch with a “free” sign to begin with?)

I might as well treat this whole process with as much humor as I can. So I posted this ad.

Getting laid and nobody believes you? Just get it on upon this box spring and nobody in the house will have a doubt. Want to brag to your roommates about your fantastic life in bed? Let this queen sized box spring do all the talking for you. Nothing says you’re a stud better than a creaky box spring making music to the beat of your furious desire.

Or perhaps you’re a concerned parent trying to keep tabs on your child’s moral upbringing. Never fear. With this box spring junior will never dare to bump uglies and if he does, you’ll be the first to know. All yours for the price of free!

Or perhaps you’re a voyeuristic and nosy host who wants to know all the juicy details of your guests’ personal lives. No one wants to spend a lot of money on a guest bed. Why don’t you stop on by and pick up my free queen sized box spring? It will provide you with an affordable guest bedroom setup and amusing gossip for years to come!

Perhaps you’re a talented musician. I’ve got a new instrument for you! And because you’re broke, it’s free just for you!

Or perhaps you’re dead. You’re not going to move around enough to make the box spring creak. And if you did, you wouldn’t be able to hear it. It’s perfect for you. You have to have it! And I’ll give it to you for free.

So there you go, folks. Free queen sized box spring. I’ve put it on the porch with a sign that says free, for easy pickup. It’s out of the rain, so that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about. You wouldn’t want a creaky AND mildewed box spring. That’s just unreasonable!

I got a few responses just saying that they were nominating my ad for best of craigslist. But very shortly afterwards, I got a message from craigslist saying that my post had been flagged for removal.

Your posting has been flagged for removal.
Approximately 98% of postings removed are in violation of craigslist posting guidelines.
Please make sure you are abiding by all posted site rules, including our terms of use.
If your posting was wrongly flagged down (2% of flagged ads are) please accept our apologies and feel free to repost.
Sorry for the hassle, and thanks for your understanding.

I carefully read through the Terms of Use and as I suspected, it didn’t violate any of them. I was indeed offering an item for free. The representation of that item wasn’t misleading (unless you count hyperbole). The post was sexually suggestive but it wasn’t considered pornographic under craigslist guidelines. So I reposted the ad.

And it was down again almost immediately.

So what’s the problem craigslist community? Who’s flagging my posts? I noticed that there were other people in the area offering box springs. Maybe they were flagging me to control the competition? Maybe it was craiglist purists who think that craigslist a site merely for the exchange of goods and services, and humor is dampening the economic flow. I am not taking craigslist seriously enough.

I’ve heard there’s a vast right-wing conspiracy that sits on craigslist flagging anything remotely related to sex. I’ve clearly morally offended someone. Or someones. And to those someones, I offer not an apology but pose a question:

What do you guys do for fun? I thought it was only us evil idle science-y, techology-y kids who blog on the sabbath that sat on their asses syphoning our souls away on the intarwebs. Apparently you guys have nothing better to do either.

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Categories: internet
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